Patient the Spacesnail
(published 2010 on A Snail Named Patient)
Patient is stuck on a spaceship. Well, maybe 'stuck' makes it sound like she doesn't want to be on the spaceship. She wants to be on the spaceship, but spaceships are very uncomfortable. Have you ever been on a spaceship? So. Tiny. So tiny that Patient can only use one of her eyestalks at a time. So tiny that she has to clean up her slime and jettison it into space every five minutes. So tiny that she can't ever stretch out and yawn.
So tiny!
But Patient is happy because she is going to see her spacegrandmother. Spacegrandmothers are a lot like regular grandmothers except they eat nothing but spinach shakes and they make you feed their spacepuppies. Which sounds cute and fun and nice, and maybe it is, but spacepuppies are very messy eaters and spacegrandmothers make you clean up their spacepuppies' messes which can be as big as seventeen spacebanana farms.
Patient's spacegrandmother lives a long long ways away and so Patient is going to be stuck on her tiny spaceship where for six weeks.
Six weeks!
Six weeks is a very very very very very long time.
WEEK ONE
Patient's tiny space ship has one tiny window with just enough space for one eyestalk to look through it at a time. But Patient has four eyestalks. One window for four eyestalks means three eyestalks are stuck being not stretched out and not looking ALL THE TIME.
So Patient lets Eyestalk Number One look out the window then Eyestalk Number Two gets to look out the window then Eyestalk Number Three then Eyestalk Number Four then Eyestalk Number One then Eyestalk Number Twot hen Eyestalk Number Three then Eyestalk Number Four then Eyestalk Number One again.
But sometimes Eyestalk Number Three gets a cramp and so it wants to look out the window when it's Eyestalk Number One's Turn and then Eyestalk Number Two tries to sneak in line which leaves Eyestalk Number Four crying slimy snail tears. But Patient decided that if two eyes napped while two eyes took turns looking at the stars fly by then those two eyes napped while the other eyes watched the stars, then maybe they would get along better.
And it worked.
WEEK TWO
One reason Patient has to be so careful to keep her spaceship clean and to jettison her extra slime every five minutes is because she doesn't want to mess up the food in her basket.
Patient always brings food to her spacegrandmother. This time she's bringing all the favorites: Spaceraisincakes and spacecelery and spacepeanutbutter. She's bringing spacecupcakes and spacespaghetti. And, best of all, she is bringing a big pitcher filled with spacelemonade.
Of course, since spacegrandmothers only drink spinach shakes, she'll just be throwing these presents into the blender, but what spacegrandmother wouldn't enjoy a spinachspaceraisincakes shake? Or a spinachspacecelery shake? Spacegrandmothers love spinichspacepeanutbutter shakes and spinichspacecupcakeshakes and spinichspacespaghettishakes! And, most of all, they really really love spinichspacelemonade shakes.
And so, even though she can hardly move in her tiny tiny spaceship, Patient is very very careful to keep the basket clean and her spaceship clean. Because she loves her spacegrandmother. And spinichspacelemonade shakes.
WEEK THREE
If you know anything about stories, then you must know that if you have a story about a little girl --- even if she's a snail --- with a basket of food for her grandmother --- even if it's a spacegrandmother --- then you must know that the story will have a Big Bad Wolf --- or a Big Bad Spacewolfmonkeyfish.
Big Bad Spacewolfmonkeyfishes are big and bad and they live in space and they like to eat little girls like a wolf and make loud noises like a monkey and open their mouths into giant Os like a fish.
This story's Big Bad Spacewolfmonkeyfish is named Stanley Beebee and he is the biggest and baddest space-living, little girl-eating, loud noise-making, O-mouthed monster in the whole universe. And, to make things worse, his other favorite food (besides little girls) is spacespaghetti.
Stanley was swimming through space with nothing to eat but asteroids and trace amounts of hydrogen when he smelled something delicious. Something delectable. Something scruptuous and lucious and tastifying.
Spacespaghetti.
With a hint of little girl.
And, meanwhile, Patient is cleaning her tiny spaceship with Eyestalk Number Two looks out the window, in the opposite direction of Stanley Beebee the Big Bad Spacemonkeywolfish who is coming, howling, right at her.
WEEK FOUR
The good thing about space though is how big it is. Stanley Beebee the Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish might be coming quickly right at Patient while she's looking the wrong way, but he won't be here till next week. So for now Patient is fine, cleaning her tiny spaceship and looking out the window and making up a song to sing to her spacegrandmother:
Hey, Spacegramma!How are you?You're not the kinda grammaThat lives in a shoe.Hey, Spacegramma!I'm doin' good.I've been riding in my spaceshipTo bring you this food.Hey, Spacegramma!(spacedog too)Let's bust out the blenderand whip up some green goo.Hey, Spacegramma!How's my song?I had to make it up becausemy journey was so long!
Meanwhile, Stanley Beebee the Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish was running into problems. Every few minutes he was hitting big dollops of snail slime. And while snail slime is pretty delicious, it kept hitting Stanley in the eye and in the ear and in the nose and everywhere but his mouth and making it hard to see or hear or smell and his face was turning into a big slimy mess and he was having a hard time going in the right direction and once he even bumbed into a sun and burned all the hair off his face and, well, he's having a pretty miserable time.
But he just kept reminding himself that if he kept going he would get to eat a little girl and some spacespeghetti and happy thought would make his nose water with pleasure --- dropping big greenishpurple snottleys that made it easier to smell --- and make his eyes blink in joy clearing the slime from them and making it easier to see where he was going and made his ears fall off in excitement.
(This was okay for Stanley because he, like all Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes, carried a big bag of extra ears stuffed down the back of his pants.)
And on he swam.
WEEK FIVE
On the second day of Week Five, Patient's tiny spaceship hit a tiny rock that moved the ship a not-so-tiny bit and so Patient had to turn it around and head backwards a little bit so she could keep going the right way. Which was good because for a little while her one window was facing the opposite direction and Eyestalk Number Four saw a big slimy monster coming at them. Eyestalk Number Two wanted to see this so it bumped Eyestalk Number Four out of the way and noticed that the monster was dripping big purplishgreen snottleys out its nose. Eyestalk Number Three wanted a look and noticed that the monster's teeth were changing, as Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they're about to eat, from six spacemeters long to sixteen-point-four spacemeters long. Then Eyestalk Number One noticed the rapidly blinking eyes and the clawy claws and the swimming and the big bag of extra ears stuffed down the back of the monster's pants and that's when Patient said,
"EEP! A Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish!"
So she grabbed the steering wheel and spun around and ran off but the Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish was faster and was catching up and so Patient knew she needed a better plan, so she turned her tiny spaceship around and started driving RIGHT AT THE BIG BAD WOLFMONKEYFISH!
This surprised Stanley and he stopped swimming for a second to look at the tiny spaceship that was just about to catch up to him. He was so suprised, that he closed his mouth, which is what all Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they are extra surprsed. And because his mouth was closed he couldn't eat Patient's spaceship and instead she ran right into one of his eyeballs and bounced off.
Stanley was so surprised that he closed his mouth so hard that all his teeth broke off which is what Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they are extra extrasurprised.
Then Patient, looking out the window with Eyestalk Number One, whose turn it now was, turned her tiny spaceship around and this time ran it into the monster's big bag of extra ears which surprised the monsters so much that he closed his mouth so tight that his entire head squished into his lips which is what Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they are extra extra extra surprised.
Then Patient remembered that she had brought her favorite book with her on the trip, Spacemonsters of Space and How to Handle Them and she opened it to the page on Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes and read that their favorite foods are little girls and spacespaghetti and so Patient decided to jettison her spacegrandmother's spacespaghetti at the monster and then run away while it was eating.
So she shot the spacespeghetti at Stanley and it hit the lips of his flattened head and even though he was now extra extra EXTRA surprised, his head popped back into its normal shape and he ate the spacespaghetti (which was the best he'd ever had) and he rolled over and took a nap for twenty years (which is what Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they have a good meal, which is why there are always so many Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes rolling around in the sky over the universe's best spacespaghetti restaurant in the Marinara Nebula.
WEEK SIX
Back on course and driving her tiny spaceship as fast as it would go and letting her eyestalks take turns looking out the window, Patient finally arrived at her spacegrandmother's house. She crawled out of her spaceship and stretched and yawned and cried a little bit because she was SO SORE from being STUCK in her TINY SPACESHIP for SIX WEEKS but she was also super happy and laughed and giggled and gave her grandmother the basket of food and told her that now, instead of plain old boring old spinach shakes she could make spinachspaceraisincakes shakes and spinachspacecelery shakes and spinichspacepeanutbutter shakes and spinichspacecupcakeshakes and especially spinichspacelemonade shakes.
But no spinishspacespaghetti shakes. Not this year.
Hey, Spacegramma!How 'bout this?I fed your spacespaghettito a Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish!
Patient the Spacesnail
(published 2010 on A Snail Named Patient)
Patient is stuck on a spaceship. Well, maybe 'stuck' makes it sound like she doesn't want to be on the spaceship. She wants to be on the spaceship, but spaceships are very uncomfortable. Have you ever been on a spaceship? So. Tiny. So tiny that Patient can only use one of her eyestalks at a time. So tiny that she has to clean up her slime and jettison it into space every five minutes. So tiny that she can't ever stretch out and yawn.
So tiny!
But Patient is happy because she is going to see her spacegrandmother. Spacegrandmothers are a lot like regular grandmothers except they eat nothing but spinach shakes and they make you feed their spacepuppies. Which sounds cute and fun and nice, and maybe it is, but spacepuppies are very messy eaters and spacegrandmothers make you clean up their spacepuppies' messes which can be as big as seventeen spacebanana farms.
Patient's spacegrandmother lives a long long ways away and so Patient is going to be stuck on her tiny spaceship where for six weeks.
Six weeks!
Six weeks is a very very very very very long time.
WEEK ONE
Patient's tiny space ship has one tiny window with just enough space for one eyestalk to look through it at a time. But Patient has four eyestalks. One window for four eyestalks means three eyestalks are stuck being not stretched out and not looking ALL THE TIME.
So Patient lets Eyestalk Number One look out the window then Eyestalk Number Two gets to look out the window then Eyestalk Number Three then Eyestalk Number Four then Eyestalk Number One then Eyestalk Number Twot hen Eyestalk Number Three then Eyestalk Number Four then Eyestalk Number One again.
But sometimes Eyestalk Number Three gets a cramp and so it wants to look out the window when it's Eyestalk Number One's Turn and then Eyestalk Number Two tries to sneak in line which leaves Eyestalk Number Four crying slimy snail tears. But Patient decided that if two eyes napped while two eyes took turns looking at the stars fly by then those two eyes napped while the other eyes watched the stars, then maybe they would get along better.
And it worked.
WEEK TWO
One reason Patient has to be so careful to keep her spaceship clean and to jettison her extra slime every five minutes is because she doesn't want to mess up the food in her basket.
Patient always brings food to her spacegrandmother. This time she's bringing all the favorites: Spaceraisincakes and spacecelery and spacepeanutbutter. She's bringing spacecupcakes and spacespaghetti. And, best of all, she is bringing a big pitcher filled with spacelemonade.
Of course, since spacegrandmothers only drink spinach shakes, she'll just be throwing these presents into the blender, but what spacegrandmother wouldn't enjoy a spinachspaceraisincakes shake? Or a spinachspacecelery shake? Spacegrandmothers love spinichspacepeanutbutter shakes and spinichspacecupcakeshakes and spinichspacespaghettishakes! And, most of all, they really really love spinichspacelemonade shakes.
And so, even though she can hardly move in her tiny tiny spaceship, Patient is very very careful to keep the basket clean and her spaceship clean. Because she loves her spacegrandmother. And spinichspacelemonade shakes.
WEEK THREE
If you know anything about stories, then you must know that if you have a story about a little girl --- even if she's a snail --- with a basket of food for her grandmother --- even if it's a spacegrandmother --- then you must know that the story will have a Big Bad Wolf --- or a Big Bad Spacewolfmonkeyfish.
Big Bad Spacewolfmonkeyfishes are big and bad and they live in space and they like to eat little girls like a wolf and make loud noises like a monkey and open their mouths into giant Os like a fish.
This story's Big Bad Spacewolfmonkeyfish is named Stanley Beebee and he is the biggest and baddest space-living, little girl-eating, loud noise-making, O-mouthed monster in the whole universe. And, to make things worse, his other favorite food (besides little girls) is spacespaghetti.
Stanley was swimming through space with nothing to eat but asteroids and trace amounts of hydrogen when he smelled something delicious. Something delectable. Something scruptuous and lucious and tastifying.
Spacespaghetti.
With a hint of little girl.
And, meanwhile, Patient is cleaning her tiny spaceship with Eyestalk Number Two looks out the window, in the opposite direction of Stanley Beebee the Big Bad Spacemonkeywolfish who is coming, howling, right at her.
WEEK FOUR
The good thing about space though is how big it is. Stanley Beebee the Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish might be coming quickly right at Patient while she's looking the wrong way, but he won't be here till next week. So for now Patient is fine, cleaning her tiny spaceship and looking out the window and making up a song to sing to her spacegrandmother:
Hey, Spacegramma!How are you?You're not the kinda grammaThat lives in a shoe.Hey, Spacegramma!I'm doin' good.I've been riding in my spaceshipTo bring you this food.Hey, Spacegramma!(spacedog too)Let's bust out the blenderand whip up some green goo.Hey, Spacegramma!How's my song?I had to make it up becausemy journey was so long!
Meanwhile, Stanley Beebee the Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish was running into problems. Every few minutes he was hitting big dollops of snail slime. And while snail slime is pretty delicious, it kept hitting Stanley in the eye and in the ear and in the nose and everywhere but his mouth and making it hard to see or hear or smell and his face was turning into a big slimy mess and he was having a hard time going in the right direction and once he even bumbed into a sun and burned all the hair off his face and, well, he's having a pretty miserable time.
But he just kept reminding himself that if he kept going he would get to eat a little girl and some spacespeghetti and happy thought would make his nose water with pleasure --- dropping big greenishpurple snottleys that made it easier to smell --- and make his eyes blink in joy clearing the slime from them and making it easier to see where he was going and made his ears fall off in excitement.
(This was okay for Stanley because he, like all Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes, carried a big bag of extra ears stuffed down the back of his pants.)
And on he swam.
WEEK FIVE
On the second day of Week Five, Patient's tiny spaceship hit a tiny rock that moved the ship a not-so-tiny bit and so Patient had to turn it around and head backwards a little bit so she could keep going the right way. Which was good because for a little while her one window was facing the opposite direction and Eyestalk Number Four saw a big slimy monster coming at them. Eyestalk Number Two wanted to see this so it bumped Eyestalk Number Four out of the way and noticed that the monster was dripping big purplishgreen snottleys out its nose. Eyestalk Number Three wanted a look and noticed that the monster's teeth were changing, as Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they're about to eat, from six spacemeters long to sixteen-point-four spacemeters long. Then Eyestalk Number One noticed the rapidly blinking eyes and the clawy claws and the swimming and the big bag of extra ears stuffed down the back of the monster's pants and that's when Patient said,
"EEP! A Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish!"
So she grabbed the steering wheel and spun around and ran off but the Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish was faster and was catching up and so Patient knew she needed a better plan, so she turned her tiny spaceship around and started driving RIGHT AT THE BIG BAD WOLFMONKEYFISH!
This surprised Stanley and he stopped swimming for a second to look at the tiny spaceship that was just about to catch up to him. He was so suprised, that he closed his mouth, which is what all Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they are extra surprsed. And because his mouth was closed he couldn't eat Patient's spaceship and instead she ran right into one of his eyeballs and bounced off.
Stanley was so surprised that he closed his mouth so hard that all his teeth broke off which is what Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they are extra extrasurprised.
Then Patient, looking out the window with Eyestalk Number One, whose turn it now was, turned her tiny spaceship around and this time ran it into the monster's big bag of extra ears which surprised the monsters so much that he closed his mouth so tight that his entire head squished into his lips which is what Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they are extra extra extra surprised.
Then Patient remembered that she had brought her favorite book with her on the trip, Spacemonsters of Space and How to Handle Them and she opened it to the page on Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes and read that their favorite foods are little girls and spacespaghetti and so Patient decided to jettison her spacegrandmother's spacespaghetti at the monster and then run away while it was eating.
So she shot the spacespeghetti at Stanley and it hit the lips of his flattened head and even though he was now extra extra EXTRA surprised, his head popped back into its normal shape and he ate the spacespaghetti (which was the best he'd ever had) and he rolled over and took a nap for twenty years (which is what Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes do when they have a good meal, which is why there are always so many Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfishes rolling around in the sky over the universe's best spacespaghetti restaurant in the Marinara Nebula.
WEEK SIX
Back on course and driving her tiny spaceship as fast as it would go and letting her eyestalks take turns looking out the window, Patient finally arrived at her spacegrandmother's house. She crawled out of her spaceship and stretched and yawned and cried a little bit because she was SO SORE from being STUCK in her TINY SPACESHIP for SIX WEEKS but she was also super happy and laughed and giggled and gave her grandmother the basket of food and told her that now, instead of plain old boring old spinach shakes she could make spinachspaceraisincakes shakes and spinachspacecelery shakes and spinichspacepeanutbutter shakes and spinichspacecupcakeshakes and especially spinichspacelemonade shakes.
But no spinishspacespaghetti shakes. Not this year.
Hey, Spacegramma!How 'bout this?I fed your spacespaghettito a Big Bad Wolfmonkeyfish!